Today is the 14th January 2008 . Yesterday was bad . 

People were right, the more you expect, the greater disappointment you would feel . I thought i would get through the interview at ducktours . Well, just because i passed the first interview i thought i could do the same when second time comes . Too nervous, forgot everything i wanna say, totally screwed it up . Screwed up one good job . So now, gotta find new ones . 

Took the train home while sms-ing dear dear, he didn't go for range (shooting) and is in class, so bla bla bla, chatting, listening to music, till i reached my station and alighted . Supposedly to take a bus home, but i thought it has been a long time since i walked home . So i did, strolled home, shut off my music, looking at cars, fortunate drivers, and the sky . Though i always took strolls after midnight because it's more quiet, but i guess it's good enough to compensate the quietness for the long time i missed strolling . Got home, boot up my computer and started looking for a job . 

I know very well i should be doing tutorials, but it's audit, all copy work, theory, i could finished it in less than an hour, or perhaps 30 minutes . So job hunting for the moment . I must say there're lotsa online home based jobs, but ain't gonna believe it anyway . The reason why i'm desperate for a job even though it's exam period now is because

1. Dad's jobless

2. Mom's only working part-time

3. Lotsa bills to be paid, school allowance to me, sis and bro, and housing loan and whatever shit

4. Sis is desperate for phone, don't want her to wait too long

5. Start of school term, sis and bro have much school stuffs to get

6. My license

I know some of those are meant to be waited, but it just shows how desperate one can get over some stuffs . I don't know, it's like all these while . . . what have i been doing ? I thought i was stronger ? I thought i'm okay with things ?

Woke up at 7am this morning, did audit tutorial, finished it, went back to sleep . All i wish i could do is to turn on lush and lay on my bed for the rest of my life . . . think of nothing . Totally no mood for school today, skipped all lectures and tutorials . Woke up at 11.30am, cleared my table and started doing a collage of Ethan . Thought by doing that i could feel better . Here it is : -

Framed it up, ready to be hung nicely, till Dad comes home and do the hook . I don't know . It's like that's the only answer i'm left with now, no matter what question is posted to me, no matter who asked it . 

Trust me on this, my body might not be with you, but my heart is . No matter what i did, who i'm with, what happens, it's all trust that matters - nothing else . Because to the end of the day, you know i'll choose you .